feeling cringy

Pushing through the suck... sucks

I’m publishing on YouTube again in an effort to create something unique and helpful for people like me - directionless creatives.

There’s only one way to do this, I recognise, which is to just keep doing it without worrying about it too much in the process, but learning learn as you go.

I just published what I hope will be the most awkward video ever. It’s the intro. I had a neat idea where I would speak and move my hands and the words would follow then. IT WAS SUPER WEAK because I am not coordinated enough to speak normally and move my hands in choreographed ways at the same time. So I redid the audio and it was slightly better, but more laboured which is not what I want to be my style.

In any case, welcome to the suck. I thank you for bearing it (Andy and Jonny, at this stage).

I posted my first short the other day also, which was in a similar vein but didn’t try anything so fancy.

I wasn’t specifically trying to be vulnerable, I was just trying to teach from experience although I was light on the teaching part. I should start with the main takeaways and then move into story time.

Upcoming vids: There several topics on the go for crazy ass creatives who don’t know what the fuck they are doing, and not all of them are cautionary tales. There’s also the Theory of Dirty video essay which will be a big thing and much less talking head.

To be honest at the moment I feel very much like I am shit at video and I think it’s going to be THE creative tool in the future so I’d like to get better at it - meaning more vids but also making them suck less, and producing a couple of keystone content such as the upcoming Theory of Dirty.

I’m probably going to be leaning into game dev, it seems. I’ll be making something shortly, probably once I get back from Japan. It’ll be a platformer. Then Joel and I will start the single player sequel to Glitch Arena at some stage. Scary as fuck. But a good choice, or at least as good as any other.

In deciding to pursue game dev I’ve kind of decided to not do everything else (although I am passively opening myself to design/branding/web enquiries through the YouTube). It’s kind of fine though because game dev requires a lot of different creative cooperation so I’ll be able to be a musician, graphic artist, UX designer, UI designer as well as the game stuff.

This is actually very exciting although to be honest I’m worried about the financial side of things. I don’t need finance to start the game dev, but I do need to keep pulling my weight while it’s going on, and that means a stable job. My wife looks hurt and disappointed when I talk about getting part time work, because she wants me to do full time work, however full time work in my non-ideal work is depressing as fuck to me.

Over and out. My headspace isn’t great at the moment, but I’ll get through it.