how to change

another little braindump

hey i’ve been dealing with some creative resistance recently, it’s fair to say that despite my best efforts I have still been trapped in my head. welcome to another episode of me sorting my shit out.

a lot… er… too much… ok actually everything I make is very reflective: very based on me learning from previous experiences. when I listen on things I have made, and said, to be honest I wonder what I am doing. and it’s less what I am making and saying and more the energy I am putting across that puts me off.

today I find myself taking a little breath of fresh air, and seeing pretty clearly that I should not, and do not want to, continue operating (let alone publishing) in such a way. I really need to take myself out of the picture more, and explore my ideas in wider contexts.

right there I have answered one of my most pressing questions. I knew writing would help.

you see to change it can be important to divorce the past, rather than improve or build on it. if i’m not going to sit around mumbling about myself then what will I do? yeah, I need to take those ideas i’ve been sitting on and flesh them out in the wider-world, doing things and exploring beyond my own imagination, outside my own man cave.

when giving things up, it’s better not to focus on stopping doing that thing, but to work out what that thing is preventing you from doing and do that thing even if you feel you can’t because you’ve been addicted. for example if you think smoking has been stopping you from exercising, start exercising even if you don’t immediately stop smoking. replace one habit with another by being proactive, not reflective.

another, completely arbitrary example: if you sit around thinking about shit and trying to create things out of nothing and it hasn’t been working because you’re lazy and prefer to sit around thinking about shit, maybe make a plan that would force you to investigate the shit you are thinking about in the actual world.

yes I am kind of angry at myself today, a little tired of my low, self-centered energy. it no longer feels like me and I need change, especially If I am going to create for others.

you may have gathered this but I tend to complain a lot. I feel like it’s justified in the moment and sure, logically it may be, but it hasn’t really been helping me rise out of the mentality that probably causes the things I am whinging about. it’s a very sneaky trap because it is so reasonable, so rational, to be annoyed at life. but from the perspective of psychology, it’s not helpful, and if you are being negative without acting proactively on it, it’s absolutely criminal. Unfortunately this is the headspace I have found myself in.

so just a little brain dump to thank (?) you and apologise for making you party to my crimes against self, and to notify you that I will do less “working my shit out” and more “doing all the things I would be doing if I had my shit worked out.” it definitely helps clarify some direction because it precludes a whole bunch of things. that said I still need to work out a more focussed plan, but it’s cool, I have a job, there’s time.