OMG what a shit show

oh hey

Oh hey, a little update you. things have been weird. i’m a little pissed with everything but i’m keeping on keeping on as always. This post is erratic as fuck but don’t mind me, I’m just getting this out there in the only way I can.

ADHD

have realised and accepted that I either have adhd which highly effects motivation and executive function (or I’m just a broken?). Luckily access to assessment and treatment is getting easier so i’ll attempt to deal with that… that said there are things I do to by choice which massively fuck with my motivation and stop that as well as start better habits. my goal for this year is to SURVIVE while ramping down bad habits and next year I’ll be looking at starting to thrive with some better habits like some gym. In the meantime I bought a big fucking TV and will attempt to keep myself calm with some movies, games and music.

purpose/creativity

my creative purpose is still a cesspool of confusion and I have not stopped trying to work it out, although nothing I have done as felt interesting enough to keep doing or had any bites (obviously not, I don’t do things for long enough to get any traction). i’m still perpetually pissed about wasting my potential and am holding out for some kind of path to magically appear beneath my feet, and a becoming voice saying “this way, we’ll take care of you.” But whatever, one thing at a time.

Divorce / separation

Things are coming to a head soon. Shit is about to hit the fan as I’ll be a non acquiescent when it comes to agreeing to be fucked. Not looking forward to any of it because I wanted it to be amicable. Have been very stressed by the idea of separating on bad terms and not having my dogs around, but there’s not heaps I can do really. Still, wanting this to be over, over, over.

In the meantime had first gay actual relationship which has evolved into a friendship, but probably a lasting one. We have completely opposite ways of thinking/processing/communicating in important ways. Was weird to realise I could be romantically gay because I hadn’t previously thought that, in any case it’s pretty rare. Who knew? Still, will reset and focus on myself until feeling more stable. I hate being in limbo, but it is a good chance to clean up my own life.

Future

Need to redesign myself for middle age - my habits and mind suit a 27 year old and the shock to my life is going to be huge if I can’t make edits. but it’s cool shit is ending and I’ll be starting fresh soon. No idea what to do - it’s hard to be really motivated and positive because my job isn’t the best for me, although it will certainly do for now I wouldn’t want to stay in it another 20 years. By all accounts, extrapolating the future from the present makes it look pretty bad, but I’m hoping that when I feel better I’ll be able to work it out. Things are sustainable for the moment at least.

Whatever it is I will definitely not be asking for any opinions.

So yeah just to check in. I do often come back to the idea of helping other creative lost souls, I feel like I definitely could, but it’s not time to start and dig into something currently. Still, it might be good to put some thoughts together. In a future post I might summarise my efforts to use AI to outsource parts of my creative/strategy process.