The importance of light

the kind at the end of tunnels.

Just spent a little too much on music. Not a criminal amount but enough to have me questioning “was that necessary?” It seems justified because music is my current go to recharge, but still, there are better ways I could have bought the same music on the same format. Sure, it was convenient to walk into a shop and spend a little on a few CDs; it even felt justified as the money came from selling some things I was no longer using. But still, what caused me to not shop around, or order some in through work at a discount?

Ah. There is currently no light at the end of my tunnel. It’s fine, I’ve come to logical terms with the smallness of my life and the fact it is unlikely to come to any positive fruition. And fuck you if you think this is drastic or emotional - it’s very scientific in that I’ve spent a couple of decades trying to be myself and have that pay off in any way, with no results. Science baby. To succeed in anything new or different, or independently, you need irrational confidence that can help you weather the dips. The thing that screws me the most these days is the complete and justified lack of this belief.

(It’s very easy for me to get sidetracked by whining and I do apologize, one of my tenets for writing these days is not to use backspace. I am trying to write more slowly and I will edit spelling mistakes or disjointed sentences if I catch them not making sense.)

Er… so… I realized today that not having a light at the end of the tunnel causes poor decision making on little scales like this. Come to think of it, it’s probably a major reason it’s very hard for people with odds stacked against them improve their lot. Kudos to those who can imagine a better future and work for it faithfully, but that shit isn’t getting easier as the odds get stacked higher and higher.

I think the generation that runs things these days doesn’t really get this.

For me this a reminder to spend money more intentionally, and also to address the issue behind the symptoms. What am I aiming for? What do I want for my family and what do I want for the world? It’s true that I have utterly give up on the world and any long-term personal goals, and am basically hanging in there for family. I don’t see this as good enough but it’s what I can do at the moment. Not only do I not see light at the end of a tunnel, I don’t even believe in tunnels anymore.

PS - this is not a cry for help. My castle may be made of a few bent sticks tied together with grass at the top, but it’s built on two-mile deep reinforced concrete. I think this results from having had to rebuild and reinvent a few times. It comes from having no good long-term friends except myself. I enjoy being me in my own consciousness and put up with everything else. I don’t know everything but I know I don’t know it and the world is just hilarious in this context. I have no idea how to engage with a straight face.

No this is not a cry for help at all. It’s me looking at my crappy castle wondering why I just spent too much on CDs.

PS Buy this t-shirt - I don’t care how many you have already bought: