This boy needs therapy

One of the things I really like about myself is my tendency to not give a fuck

Recently posted on photography which is brainfucking me again: https://alidark.com/to-sim-or-not-to-sim/

Also Found this amazing YouTube video that just hit the nail on the head again and again…

So, back to the advertised topic: not giving a fuck. it has debilitating consequences. I dearly want to resolve these things, not least for those good of those around me.

I wish I had a clear path that would not lead to my personal misery, while also making me a self-sufficient human being, who can also support a little family (me eiko and jimmy). I feel like my apathy towards things means I outsource concern for many things to my wife eiko, which is ultimately not fair.

I just find it really hard to fake enthusiasm without motivation, and I can’t manufacture motivation for things that don’t matter.

All I really need for motivation is for other people to care and want to improve things, but so often people are closed to change and just want to make it to Friday. This feels a little like being buried alive.

How other people cope I don’t konw, but I guess it comes down to different motivations.

Does anyone know what I’m talking about? I’m such a special case I don’t know how to relate these things which is why a lot of what I write here is fucking bonkers.

Still, I’m convinced that somewhere out there are people who have the same problems… a wish to thrive in the world without becoming a shit head who bends over to take it from the man and kneels down to placate any old Crazy cunt met along the way.

I’ve even started to speak my mind a little bit at “work” (not sure I have this job anymore which is actually awesome although I do like some of the people), which is cementing the idea that I am a bit of a freak.

My saving grace is that I actually care about other people and if they can see past the paradigm chasm, that becomes as bridge.

Sometimes it’s not that obvious though. There’s a trans girl at work and I completely ignore the fact she is trans because who the fuck cares what’s in someone’s pants. We were building a sassy releationship at work and at one time I was like semi-sarcastically “you’re fine just the way you are,” which in my mind what just to jokingly imply that she’s not in some way. The only thing is I completely forgot while doing this that she was trans, and that she might be interpreting this sassy exchange as harassment. She doesn’t talk to me now.

But I digress. Permanently.

I do a meditation which is supposed to make the best version of me, however I don’t do it properly so I am still kind of in a weird limbo where I don’t really belong in heaven or earth. I want to sort this shit out so I can just navigate this world with confidence but I am stuck in this semi-anxious semi-apathetic state where things just happen to me.

What am I? I would hardly trust a therapist to understand but am considering giving it a shot.